Writing with Juliet Iwelunmor

This phase of life has me cultivating light, cultivating wildness too, or moving against the grain to purse the radical dimensions of me or how I sustain my dreams (thanks to bell hooks). We are so serious about sustainment, ourselves, our dreams, and all the ways we are light for the world to see. We seek to break new grounds, build new systems, make it practically possible for those who care about surviving to survive, all while ensuring that we engage in meaningful resistance at some level with how we last.

On some level, there is a desire to awaken all that we love, to do so in a way that sustains all that we know. I speak for myself and myself only with this desire to survive and to speak as honest as I can about what it means to live as I do. Granted, we are so few black tenured women in academia, even so few when it comes to securing funds. We do so for a community bigger than ourselves. I can honestly stop today and would say I reached my zenith when it comes to grantwriting. Few can claim to be as successful and persistent as I have been and I did it not for self but for a community bigger than self. It’s for this reason that this next phase requires we change directions a bit.

The grants and science will remain. A team is in place to lead it as best as they could. But other dreams awaken me and I hope to share as we build what I hope would reimagine how we make evidence based interventions and practices last. There are successes, but so many failures. There are people whom we led and so many that preferred they lead their own way. There were doors opened and so many closed. I hope to bear witness to the hurdles and triumphs inherent in being black and female in academia in hopes that you learn about what worked and what didn’t work, the mistakes we made and the many lessons we learnt.

So if I speak of survival these days, it’s because I am learning no institution will support your efforts if you don’t first affirm why you and your dreams matter because it does. Critical affirmation of yourself for yourself and with those that look like you is at the heart of how you will survive any institution you find yourself in. The circle too will be small. You will need a circle that is gentle and affectionate to you, all of you, critical at times, but with intention and so much love so find a small circle that readily uplifts you when the world brings you down. Tenderness should be for everyone and anyone who cares that you survive whole and do so from a place of love.

This then is the heart of the matter, you don’t survive or sustain anything you do, if it doesn’t begin from a place of love. Ensure you surround yourself with those who see and nourish that love. Also be careful for those who pretend to care. Many are called to work and so discern who is a worker and let them be. Not many are called to love. So look out for those who love and ensure you love them back. Then tell your story. Of what use is your survival if no one knows but you. So here is mine.

Two years ago, I resigned from my job only to then be fired by women whom I thought had my best interests at heart. More women separated from my team, while others nearly brought the team down. Through it all, I have learnt that I am a tough person to work with. I write grants which demand excellence and will not relent from it which many find difficult to understand. People will always be people so give grace and kindness plus love where you can. But excuses remain the tools of the incompetent (I blame almost pledging in college for this line which has helped me organize how we work). Also I would rather dream than work any day. This is how you survive whole and intact and with love for all of you. Sustaining what I do, is not for one season, or one paper, or even one grant. It’s all of me. It’s a serious thing, the most serious journey I will ever embark on and since we have committed to light, committed to building our own sustainable systems, we do so for this lifetime.